Lord, That I May See

May I always remember That small visit on that gray Easter? Entering hushed, smiling, kissing That pale cheek and grizzled head, Now softer, gentler, Worn with mortality and suffering. The rich deep voice, Thinner now, parched with feeling Bravery in the touch of his hands Humility in the sag of his skin. There monitors tell of an unruly heart Pulsing, skipping, Missing beats in the old chest, That we didn't think was so old Till heart and brain Halt and strain And a week goes by in which we all Must wait, and cry. He faces surgery, great pain and fear While updates fly and  Dear man , we pray, don't die! Now he accepts cards Written with small hands a nd great love He opens a box with a  pale purple egg Dyed only for him And he smiles so sweet  And loves so big That tears swell Through smiles that tell  Of thoughts too long for words. But we can feel his heart in that smile,  His strength in that weakness And his future in that...

She bursts into tears one day over her school work: "Nothing I have to do is anything I like doing any more."    She wonders if maybe she doesn't even like reading anymore because none of the books she used to read interest her.  She cries more often and doesn't know why.  She asks adult questions about hard topics, like unwed mothers and euthanasia, government control, divorce and money.  She says to me, when we talk about our hopes to move this summer, "I'd like to move.  I'm ready for a change!"    One is coming for my little woman, move or not, and I'm glad she is ready, because I am not at all sure that I am!  In these moments I can see her changing little by little.   She's fun and friendly, respectful and quiet, justice-loving and a deep thinker.  She's our Turtle.  And I'm always so moved to remember, when her birthday comes around, of the day that she was born, the day I was born into a mother and ...

Heard during the rosary that we are saying together for Lent: Stop laughing! Daddy's sleeping, guys. When you LEAD the rosary you have to speak up! It's MY turn! Do we have to say the WHOLE rosary? Can we knit or color during it or something?  Its so. . . well, boring! Mom, he's saying silly words, not the real ones! I'll be right back, I have ear wax on my finger. And my favorite! Rosebud:  Can you actually SAY the words, [Sunshine]?  Mom, I don't like it when she does that.  We're all trudging the pathway of the rosary and she's just sitting there! Me: What is the path of the rosary like? Rosebud:  Its a mountain.  You go up one side and then at the third decade you start to come down.  At the end there's a flat place with pavilions and food and stuff.

One of our Lenten resolutions as a family is to say the rosary every evening together.  As we name off the list of intentions before we begin, friends and family that need prayers -- a seriously hurt child, a fight with cancer, a priestly vocation, a struggling business, a hoped-for conversion, for clarity of life's pathways -- I think of the line of the Salve Regina, gementes et flentes in hac lacrimarum valle,   "mourning and weeping in this valley of tears."  There are so many tears, Lord!  We all are struggling with something!  Help us! I am nearing my 35th birthday and finally starting to allow myself to say that I have known suffering, without making excuses.  My life has been immensely blessed, even shielded from many of the hard troubles that I see others facing.  In the face of the obvious crosses of people I love or know, I look at my blessed life and scold myself for not being grateful every minute!  Why do I have hard times, I...

  And once again, time is flying!  The year is already waning, and my children's growth is careening ahead and I am left scrambling to pause and treasure the days.   These must be the crazy years, right?  Someone tell me they are!  The driving is ramping up, the need of for outside activities is increasing, and yet, again, we have a baby who is happier at home, and with a need for naptimes and such.  Maybe the crazy years are only beginning . . . ?  I suspect so and am determined not to look too far ahead! So much growing and changing has happened with the kids in the last six months, that contrary to the title of this post, I can't fully catch this blog up.  Ten month old, Zuzu, is walking now!  She is the constant delight of the family and Sparky still says prayers of thanksgiving for "[Zuzu] in our family now!"  We love her so much  -- despite everyone's growing dismay at her fast-increasing propensity for "maraudi...

A rare and beautiful old American Chestnut tree Little by little, I look ahead. Little by little, I hear hope in my head. Day by day,  You always meet The needs we have, Your plan complete. Moment by moment Each gift lands Your abundant measures In our outstretched hands. When round about My head life swirls,  Please slow my heart To gaze on pearls. When hope seems thin, Your plan confused,  I want it now,  The wait refused. But oh my soul, Be still, be still,  Ahead there rings Song on that hill. I climb again,  To you I turn My eyes anew While my heart burns Little by little,  Each step I take Each moment I learn I will not break For deeper, I know Inside me lies That hope for your dream The promised prize. Oh, might I not Discouragement friend,  But look to the hills To glimpse my end. 9-27-17

photo: Warner Brothers The girls have been listening to an audiobook version of A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett.  The story is new to Sunshine and a favorite of Turtle's.  I was struck while listening to bits of it of how wonderfully this story reflects Truth to us. The book has so many beautiful messages.  Sara has such strength. Once s he says, "When you will not fly into a passion people know you are stronger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn't said afterward.  There's nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in -- that's stronger."   I love when her benefactor secretly fills her room with good things while she is at her lowest, and how then she is able to go about the day that is filled with harsh circumstances, and peevish, vulgar and rude people, yet she is filled with this marvelous secret.  In fact, she can sometimes s...