10 Lessons in 10 Years, part 1

Last month D. and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.   Our friend watched the kids and we were able to go to noon mass together.  I stood beside my husband the whole Mass, basking in the luxury of holding his hand with no little people in between, and marveled at the auspiciousness of the day and how amazingly life has -- and we have! -- changed.  There was an old couple in front of us and I prayed for the gift of growing old together like them.  


I find myself thinking over what I have learned the last decade, wondering if I could claim some bits of wisdom gained.   Ten years is enough for a start in the life-long, really important love and relationship lessons.  It is enough time to have one's eyes opened to their significance, at least, although mastery is still a thing of the future, I fear! 

Really look at your spouse
Sometimes we are working/parenting/rushing so busily all day, all week, that we forget to look each other in the eyes.   Eyes are "windows to the soul" and it is harder to forget the love you have for the other when you stop and look into those familiar eyes across the table or room. 

Know yourself
It's not easy.  Who has time to look to oneself with so many things and people to attend to?  When I haven't checked in with myself, how I'm doing, why I am acting this way, I start to lose touch with myself and then I represent myself wrongly to my spouse.  We don't communicate well then.  

When you fight, hone in on the real issue
I can't seem to get this right, but I know this is true.  Anyone who has ever had a fight about something stupid knows this is true.  What is the heart of the matter?  Find it.  And stick to it.  Don't waver.  Don't dump all the baggage from the closet at once.  Don't dig into the past.  So tempting, but just don't.  It's like fighting dirty. Ask me how I know, and how many times I've walked away from a fight thinking everything in the world is wrong because I didn't do this. . . . 

It's okay to go to bed angry
Wise people disagree with me on this one (like my Grandma and even Pope Francis--oops!) .  But when once I heard this point argued I could immediately see the truth of this in my marriage.  The end of the day is never a good time for an altercation.  If its late and things have gone sour, no one has the energy to fix it then.  It's okay.  Things will at least feel better in the morning.  I think sometimes we need that time to let the ruffled waters subside, to focus in on what the real issue is, and to just start fresh.  We need the confidence in our marriage not to have that old adage about anger and the sun going down on it to induce more guilt.

Saying "I'm sorry" might not be enough.  
Of course I think it should be said!  (I loved Pope Francis' words about the things that families need to say more often.)  But sometimes "I'm sorry" can be cheap.  It's easily said and easily forgotten.  It can be dismissive and even self-serving.  Also, the one saying it can often get away with not having bothered to understand why they are saying it.  The nature of the marriage relationship gives spouses an almost illimitable power to hurt one another.  The "I'm sorry," to be truly healing, needs to include an honest, and sometimes painful, owning of the offense. It needs to include a genuine verbal acknowledgement of what you have done, and how that must have made the other person feel, a kind of entering into their pain that is truly humble.  (Think of what sacramental Confession includes to express complete remorse and intent to change.)


5 more thoughts to come later  . . . .  here