Beyond Me
This week I have felt undervalued and unnoticed.
I had this whole monologue going in my head about how unaffirmed I am, how unappreciated I am for what I am doing. I had lectured my husband on the differences between fathers and mothers, about how he is able to know how valued and successful he is because he builds something, a kitchen, a built-in entertainment center, a whole-house renovation and then its done. It looks gorgeous, people compliment and smile, there are strings of happy clients, good money is given for a good result. Then he is acclaimed, he is validated and this adds to his feeling of self-worth. He has recognition for his work.
And I, on the other hand, don't get validated. The little people I "work for" don't gush about my work. I don't get thanked for cleaning up the kitchen for the 10th time in a row with no help, nor for sharing my lunch with three other people till it isn't enough for me, for cleaning pee of the bathroom floor for the second time in a day, or for clipping 60 little nails, or folding 8 loads of laundry. Even less, I am never praised for disciplining with a cool head, or for getting out the door with the kids on time 4 times out of 5, for soothing hurt feelings well, for making good steps toward finding that balance between when to help and when to stand back.
I'm building something too. I'm working hard. I thought of the quote my friend texted me the other day: "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." How do I get to know if my life's work will be the strong kind or the broken kind? I don't get to know if I'm building these little ones well. I won't know if I've been successful for 20 years or maybe more. How unfair is that? I'm building blind, I thought bitterly to myself. That whole "Invisible Woman" bit is so true and I don't want to accept it. It's just not fair. People have needs for affirmation, for validation, and they deserve to have their needs met. And mine definitely are not getting met, I thought.
I don't get noticed and I'm hurt.
It's funny how God worms his way into our poor self-pitying little fits of temper in such gentle ways. As I sat in Mass this morning, mad at my family, mad at the wide world for the plain old unfairness of my fate, thoughts began to fall into place in my mind with gentle sureness until I was distracted enough from my own grumpy navel-gazing to connect the dots.
I took a deep breath. I pulled each of the girls close with whispered "I love yous" and then I took all my bitterness, all my unmet needs, all my self-centered little self and offered it for someone somewhere in the world who is suffering from being truly unnoticed and unvalued in a way that I have never been. And as I prayed after Communion I imagined standing encircled in Jesus' arms and thought that He said to me:
"My Child, I value you. I notice you."
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need.
Okay, Lord, I'll try to remember that.
I had this whole monologue going in my head about how unaffirmed I am, how unappreciated I am for what I am doing. I had lectured my husband on the differences between fathers and mothers, about how he is able to know how valued and successful he is because he builds something, a kitchen, a built-in entertainment center, a whole-house renovation and then its done. It looks gorgeous, people compliment and smile, there are strings of happy clients, good money is given for a good result. Then he is acclaimed, he is validated and this adds to his feeling of self-worth. He has recognition for his work.
And I, on the other hand, don't get validated. The little people I "work for" don't gush about my work. I don't get thanked for cleaning up the kitchen for the 10th time in a row with no help, nor for sharing my lunch with three other people till it isn't enough for me, for cleaning pee of the bathroom floor for the second time in a day, or for clipping 60 little nails, or folding 8 loads of laundry. Even less, I am never praised for disciplining with a cool head, or for getting out the door with the kids on time 4 times out of 5, for soothing hurt feelings well, for making good steps toward finding that balance between when to help and when to stand back.
I'm building something too. I'm working hard. I thought of the quote my friend texted me the other day: "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." How do I get to know if my life's work will be the strong kind or the broken kind? I don't get to know if I'm building these little ones well. I won't know if I've been successful for 20 years or maybe more. How unfair is that? I'm building blind, I thought bitterly to myself. That whole "Invisible Woman" bit is so true and I don't want to accept it. It's just not fair. People have needs for affirmation, for validation, and they deserve to have their needs met. And mine definitely are not getting met, I thought.
I don't get noticed and I'm hurt.
It's funny how God worms his way into our poor self-pitying little fits of temper in such gentle ways. As I sat in Mass this morning, mad at my family, mad at the wide world for the plain old unfairness of my fate, thoughts began to fall into place in my mind with gentle sureness until I was distracted enough from my own grumpy navel-gazing to connect the dots.
- From Mother Teresa: "One day I was walking down the streets of London and I saw a man quite drunk. He was looking so sad and miserable. I went right up to him and took his hand, shook it and asked, "How are you?" My hand is always warm--and he said, "Oh, after so long I feel the warmth of human hand." And his face lit up. And his face was different. I only want to say that small things done in great love bring joy and peace." (from Love: A Fruit Always in Season
)
- Dani, the Girl in the Window
- "Nobody really deprives us of anything."
- From Conversion Diary: "I stopped thinking about myself and my inconveniences altogether. Each movement became more careful, more loving. My actions felt less like work and more like a sacred sacrifice, once I considered that they might open a channel of grace in the life of someone who needed it. . . Suffering is now redeeming. It has the power to unite instead of to isolate. The cross took that whole mess of misery and drudgery and pain that plagues our lives, and turned it all into a currency that we can spend on the behalf of others." ~ Jen
I took a deep breath. I pulled each of the girls close with whispered "I love yous" and then I took all my bitterness, all my unmet needs, all my self-centered little self and offered it for someone somewhere in the world who is suffering from being truly unnoticed and unvalued in a way that I have never been. And as I prayed after Communion I imagined standing encircled in Jesus' arms and thought that He said to me:
"My Child, I value you. I notice you."
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need.
Okay, Lord, I'll try to remember that.
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