Today

I've been brought up against truths about myself, some that I'd rather not see at all, and some that I really even would rather not change.
And I am left feeling adrift and lost, unsure of who I am and who I should be, unsure of my own opinions and thoughts in the face of a stronger, firmer opinion and thought that seems to bulldoze my own.
I feel that even what I thought I did know and want is somehow dismissed, invalidated and misunderstood.

And me, little me, I am so influenced by others and bearing such a tendency toward being unsure of myself. I can't bear the lurking wondering whether I am wrong after all in what I am trying to do, or going about things all the wrong way even though I thought that way to be so right. Why do I have to argue myself back into holding the position that I still feel in my heart must be right, and is my way?

And I hate it. I hate knowing that in a way I brought this upon myself. I hate feeling shaken and unclear in explaining myself to others and, worse, even to myself. I hate this confused, unsure feeling. I hate wondering what I am doing right or not right. I hate feeling like a teenager again.

And I hate being weak enough to be shaken in myself and reduced to tears in this way.

And when will I be done asking the awful, hard "Who am I again, God?" question?