Going to Bed Alone
and wishing so hard I could just wake up in my own room in my own little house, with the sunlight slanting through the old blinds and the maple tree outside my window.
I want to go home.
Maybe if I were home, being alone in the evenings and the nights wouldn't be so hard. Maybe I could take a deep breath, out there in the freshness and let it all out. All the worries, all the loneliness, all the unsurety, the fear of the future and the frustration of the present. The furrowed brow of the man I love. The anger of the little girl I am understanding less and less. The hardship of my father, my mother, my family. The distance of the God that seems to be letting us alone.
I guess it's pretty normal to pin your dreams on one thing, as if, if you could just have that one thing, everything else scary and hard and draining would be fixed.
That one thing is my home.
I want to go home.
Maybe if I were home, being alone in the evenings and the nights wouldn't be so hard. Maybe I could take a deep breath, out there in the freshness and let it all out. All the worries, all the loneliness, all the unsurety, the fear of the future and the frustration of the present. The furrowed brow of the man I love. The anger of the little girl I am understanding less and less. The hardship of my father, my mother, my family. The distance of the God that seems to be letting us alone.
I guess it's pretty normal to pin your dreams on one thing, as if, if you could just have that one thing, everything else scary and hard and draining would be fixed.
That one thing is my home.
Comments
When we moved to this house it was after spending our childhoods living in the country, then a couple of years ina beautiful ancient old town by the sea, then a couple more years on the estate of a Scottish Lord, with stunning views rolling dowbn to the sea and miles of free land to walk on in peace, and a few months in an old and charming house set in secluded gardens on the edge of a Georgian market town - then here, to the city.
My view is of parked cars, other houses, drunks staggering by with their dogs, mother's pushing buggies and screaming at their children - and from the back windows, brick walls, other peoples little gardens, a breeze block wall, light industrial units...
but nowadays I mostly notice the views inside, and when I do look outside I see the garden we made and planted, the shrubs we planted to distract our eyes from the cars, the beautiful sky...
It takes time to adjust. And then one day, the noises and the sense of being surrounded and crowded do start to go.
They did for me.
But I know this is about more than just "I want to live in the country" - it's the other stresses that make that seem worse.
I'll keep praying.
I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun
I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I danced for the scribes and the Pharisees
They wouldn't dance, they wouldn't follow me
I danced for the fishermen James and John
They came with me so the dance went on
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame
They ripped, they stripped, they hung me high
Left me there on the cross to die
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I danced on a Friday when the world turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body, they thought I was gone
But I am the dance, and the dance goes on
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the life that will never, never die
I'll live in you if you'll live in me
I am the Lord of the dance, said he
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I wish I could give you a hug right now. Everything has a purpose I keep reminding myself.